So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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