Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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