he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Boobs speak an international language.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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