I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
