WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
