Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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