I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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