Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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