Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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