I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize