shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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