i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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