I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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