You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
