This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
