We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
