Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
