Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
