he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
