Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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