Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
