On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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