After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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