I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize