Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
