history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
