I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize