I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
