she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dignity is for republicans.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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