They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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