....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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