so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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