dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
