He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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