i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
