Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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