He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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