Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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