now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
