Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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