you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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