my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
me + whiskey = a bad person
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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