There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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