It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
