and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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