there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
