Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
