omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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