I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
