One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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