Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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