The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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