ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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