pedialite and red bull = repair kit
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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