I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
