Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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