I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
