you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
