Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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