He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
