Kiss
Puke
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
