Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
