Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
