I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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